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雅思写作

雅思写作

学校:返学费网 时间:2013-5-31 9:38:25
想请高人帮忙看看,这篇文章是否符合雅思的写作标准,能得几分,需要有哪些改进,马上就考试了,请大家帮帮忙~~~

topic:The private motor vehicle has greatly improved individual freedom of movement. Moreover, the automobile has become a status symbol. Yet the use of private motor vehicles has contributed to some of today's most serious problems. How can the use of private motor vehicles be reduced? 

The rising number of people who are owning and using the private motor vehicles are benefits from the advanced technology and booming global economy. At the same time, the improvement of individual freedom car offers leaving us lots of convenience and a better living standard. For instance, there is no worry of late for the people who live thousands miles away from their working place just by driving cars everyday, thus distance is not the problem by taking the advantage of motor vehicle.
Despite the contributions from private motor vehicle, many catastrophes and social problems’ emergence belong to that. People are suffered from driving when the occasion of traffic congestion by using the vehicles happens, in fact it delays more time than walking. As China’s traffic death rate counts out, 300 people per day are dead in traffic accidents, which are the big disaster for human beings. Moreover, I believe the environment deterioration as a sacrifice hits mostly, millions of the poisonous gases are emitted by the running vehicles, it badly and directly effects living planets and our health.
In my opinion, reducing the use of private motor vehicles is not the proper way because everyone in need of this technological products and who can imagine the life without cars in the modern society.
As a matter of fact, we should call a proposal for solving the causing (such as not criterial driving, drinking - driving) of the traffic accidents, also it is better to take good use of technologies to innovate more environmentally friendly resources instead of gasoline and petroleum. (260个字)Please Check my comments after each sentence,
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The rising number of people who are owning and using the private motor vehicles are benefits from the advanced technology and booming global economy. Try to make it simple and clear.

1) The xxx number of --- can not use "are",
2) is the benefit of , better than from
3) Do not try to impress the examiner by opening the article with a long/complex sentence.

Due to the advanced technologies and booming global economy, the number of private motor vehicles increased/risen dramatically in past decades.

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At the same time, the improvement of individual freedom car offers leaving us lots of convenience and a better living standard. For instance, there is no worry of late for the people who live thousands miles away from their working place just by driving cars everyday, thus distance is not the problem by taking the advantage of motor vehicle.

1) Something wrong with the logic inside this paragraph.
2) These sentences need to focus on " improved individual freedom of movement" comparing to taking public transporation.

Private motor vehicles provide owners more freedom of movement compare to public transportation system. You do not have to memorize the schedule of the bus, and you can reach the district even not covered by the public transportation system.

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Despite the contributions from private motor vehicle, many catastrophes and social problems’ emergence belong to that. People are suffered from driving when the occasion of traffic congestion by using the vehicles happens, in fact it delays more time than walking. As China’s traffic death rate counts out, 300 people per day are dead in traffic accidents, which are the big disaster for human beings. Moreover, I believe the environment deterioration as a sacrifice hits mostly, millions of the poisonous gases are emitted by the running vehicles, it badly and directly effects living planets and our health.

1) Since from this point on, all the discussions related to the side effects. The first sentence needs to be a little bit stronger.
2) This paragraph is actually really good other than some wording problems. (at least 7+ for this paragraph)

However, there are consequences. Private motor vehicles are the leading cause to global air pollution problem. The increasing toxic emissions are hurting our environment by adding to the greenhouse effect, damaging air quality, and decreasing the ozone. Not to mention the growing smog problems, disasters done with landfill and the effects done to our water supply. Which all are connected with the greenhouse effect, ozone depletion, and air quality. Exhaust from all combustion engines combine to produce local adverse effects on the health of car users and all innocent bystanders. Cities have become islands of toxic chemicals from the unrestrained use of vehicles burning fossil fuels. Cars are noisy, ugly, often dangerous and dominate the experience of modern living.

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In my opinion, reducing the use of private motor vehicles is not the proper way because everyone in need of this technological products and who can imagine the life without cars in the modern society.

As a matter of fact, we should call a proposal for solving the causing (such as not criterial driving, drinking - driving) of the traffic accidents, also it is better to take good use of technologies to innovate more environmentally friendly resources instead of gasoline and petroleum. (260个字)

1) The topic itself indicates that "How can the use of private motor vehicles be reduced? " we have to follow that logic in solving the problem.

Even it is impossible to prohibit the using of private motor vehicles, there must be ways to minimize the damages by reducing the unnecessary usage.

In my opinion/From my point of view, reduced vehicle use and traffic reform can be a bigger and more immediate remedy for urban air pollution. Improved efficiency of traffic is important. For instances, dedicated bus lanes and priority for car-pools and vehicles with 3 or more passengers. Large companies can stagger working hours and decentralize administrative operations. Single passenger commuting to work should be strongly discouraged. Governments can also enforce the reduction of vehicle use by passing the legislation.

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Overall,

1) You have to follow the logic of the topic.

2) Do not try to impress the examiner by using the long sentences. Try to make it simple.

3) Double check the wording and grammar.

4) Your overall score on this one is around 6-6.5+, even close to 7 if you do not make the mistake on the logic.

5) Post my writing for your reference:
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Due to the advanced technologies and booming global economy, the number of private motor vehicles increased/risen dramatically in past decades. Private motor vehicles provide owners more freedom of movement compare to public transportation system. You do not have to memorize the schedule of the bus any more, and you can reach the district even not covered by the public transportation system.

However, there are consequences. Private motor vehicles are the leading cause to global
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