生活物语:不是牛仔裤缩水了,而是我长胖了

 

那是一个特别漫长的火锅宴之后的早上我有一个很不爽的发现。我最喜欢的牛仔裤，我深爱的、去哪都穿的牛仔裤，似乎已经紧缩得超出了我所有的认识。

"What on earth has happened to these jeans?" I think.

“这些牛仔裤究竟发生了什么？”我在想。

My immediate instinct is to blame my ayi, or domestic helper. "Ayi shrank my favorite jeans!" I think accusingly. "The water must be too hot! I'll have to leave her a note."

我的第一本能就是责怪我的阿姨，或家政。“阿姨把我最喜欢的牛仔裤弄缩水了！”我责怪地想。“水一定太热了！我以后不得不给她留一个纸条。”

Then I remember that my Chinese washing machine only uses cold water. "It must be toxins getting into the water supply and making my clothes shrink," I think crossly. "How annoying!"

然后我想起我的中国洗衣机只能使用冷水。“一定是毒素进入供水系统，使我的衣服缩水了，“我生气地想。“多么讨厌！”

Later, a thorough test of my wardrobe reveals a more painful truth.

后来，我衣橱的全面试用揭示了一个更令人痛苦的事实。

"It is not my jeans that have shrunk. It's me that has grown," I think grimly. "I wonder if it was the hotpot."

“这不是我的牛仔裤缩水了。这是我在长身体，”我酷酷地想。“我想知道是不是火锅的作用。”

Primal fight for food

原始的食物争夺

Everyone pretends to make conversation while secretly trying to get as much meat as they can, a kind of primal, caveman-like fight for food. It gets harder as your mouth turns numb from all the Sichuan chilies. Fortunately, I have had extensive practice at hotpot.

每个人都假装在交谈，但私下却试图获得尽可能多的肉，一种原始的，穴居人那般的食物争夺。随着你的嘴因为四川辣椒而变麻，争夺会越来越难。幸运的是我在火锅方面有丰富的实践。

Shanghai is good for many things: dim-sum, Japanese food, all-day brunch. But it is less good for exercise.

上海有很多好吃的：点心、日本食物、全天的早午餐。但就锻炼来说不太好。

While in London I couldn't leave my house without falling over a jogger, here I have to contend with fried dumplings and the pancake stall before I even clear my building, dooming any attempt to run outside to instant failure.

在伦敦时如果我不迫不及待地慢跑我就不能离开我的屋子，这里甚至在我清理完我的住处之前我不得不面对煎饺和煎饼摊，注定会让任何跑出去的尝试都立即失败。

"I need a new sports regime," I think. "But what?"

“我需要一个新的体育规则，”我想。“但是什么呢？”

Exercise in China strikes me as a peaceful, sociable activity. In the parks, old men practice tai chi for hours. Elderly couples dance ballroom-style in front of Carrefour. In the local stadium, businessmen in suits go round in circles in an intriguing kind of sport known as backward walking. Yet despite the seemingly gentle nature of Chinese exercise, almost no one is fat.

锻炼在中国给我的印象是一种平和的、社交性的活动。在公园，老人数小时练习太极拳。老年夫妇在家乐福门口像舞厅那样跳舞。在当地的体育馆，身穿西装的商人原地打转，这是一种有趣的称为向后走的体育运动。然而尽管貌似温文尔雅的中国式运动，几乎没有一个是消耗脂肪的。

"They don't need Lycra and fancy gym memberships to stay fit," I think. "Sports marketing is all one big lie."

“他们不需要莱卡和花哨的健身房会员卡才能保持苗条，”我认为。“体育营销一直是一个大谎言。”

Before I know it, I am signing an 18-month contract to join an expensive American gym downtown. It is the longest thing I have ever committed to. The manager, a muscled Shanghainese guy called Benny, tells me I am making an excellent decision. "You won't regret this," Benny says emphatically. "Life in Shanghai is hectic. Good to work out."

在我知道它之前，我签署了一项为期18个月的合同，加入了市中心一家昂贵的美国健身房。这是我承诺的最长时间的东西。经理是叫Beny的一个肌肉发达的上海家伙，告诉我我是在做一个出色的决策。“你不会后悔的，” Beny强调说。“上海的生活是忙碌的。锻炼是好的。”

Two weeks go by. I am just thinking I haven't been to my new gym yet when I get a call from Benny.

两周过去了。当我接到Beny电话时我才想起我还没去过我的新体育馆。

"Hi, it's Benny. We haven't seen you here yet," he says, with evident disappointment in his voice. "How about you come down for a workout?"

“嗨，我是Beny。我们在这里还没有看到你，”他说，他的声音里带着明显的失望。“你下来锻炼身体怎么样？”

I decide to try a cycling class. The instructor's name is Strong. As I look around the room, I notice several people checking their iPhones. One is holding a Starbucks cup.

我决定试一试骑自行车类。教练的名字叫强。当我环顾房间，我注意到有几个人查看他们的iphone。一个拿着星巴克咖啡。

"This is going to be easy," I tell myself.

“这将是容易的，”我告诉自己。

Strong starts giving instructions in Mandarin. "I get to work out and improve my Chinese at the same time. This was a great decision!" I think as I cycle.

强开始用普通话发号指令。“我可以锻炼，同时也提高我的中文。这是一个伟大的决定！”我在骑车时想着。

After 10 minutes it feels as though my legs are being hacked apart with a chainsaw and I am struggling to breathe. I look around. None of my classmates appears to be suffering. One is sending a text message.

10分钟后感觉好像我的腿被劈开肢解般，我难以呼吸。环顾四周。我课堂里的人没有一个似乎是痛苦的。有个人还在发送短信。

I notice Strong saying something to me in Chinese, but I am unable to understand through the pain. Exasperated, he comes over and starts shouting at me in English. "Move more your legs!" he barks. "Straight up your back!"

我注意到强在对我说一些汉语，但我忍受着痛苦无法理解。恼怒，他过来开始用英语对我大喊大叫。“多运动你的腿!“他大叫。“直起你的背！”

I feel my face growing red. People turn round to look at me in sympathy. "Maybe next time I'll just try tai chi," I mutter to myself.

我觉得我的脸越来越红。人们转过身同情地看着我。“也许下次我该试试太极，”我喃喃自语。